There is no antidote

I used to believe that taking anti-depressants for the rest of my life was the part that hurt the most in regards to my affliction. Now that I've gone without them for an extended period I've come to understand what hurts the most is having the capacity to understand what happened to me, the primitivism of it all. Most days I feared for my life from physical threats: Gangs on bus rides, my father's hands, and the aftermath of an anticipated murder of my Mother-the consequences which would ultimately be endured by two blameless children. Call those average Tuesday thoughts. Yet as I fly 30,000 feet over stark white precipices of the Rocky mountains on a return flight from a meeting where I hold a national position, I select through online proofs of a man adorned in doctorate gowns- a symbol of the upper echelons of society. I'm reminded of the profound mountains moved by a mighty God, my friends, and myself to be that man. The irony now is how I continue to fear my lif...

I think the concept of free speech is phenomenal, but thinking about how free speech is encouraged in this country is to also recognize that political campaigns whether individual or those affecting work force sectors, are supported by dollars, and the most amount of dollars comes from whiteness and wealthiness. All to say that wealthy people and corporations have far more free speech in this country than others. When we continue to give bigots platforms to speak, legitimize their arguments with on-air time, or do not shut down the generation of political parties rooted in their (evidence shown) damaging ideaologies, we become implicit in continued oligarchical opressive regimes. I think there are a lot of people--non-communities of color, and people of color alike--that don't wish malice on one another, but we don't put enough of that into direct and overt action (i.e. boldly constructing and backing anti-racists policies, generating awareness around Christian Dominionism, b...

As I've sunk further and further into my depression, I've noticed that in the midst of the numbness I am still open to finding my reason to stay here and live this life. It's almost a different kind of fight. But one that is still so difficult. I've spent my life fighting to be here but lacking understanding as to what is significant about being here at all. There are so many things that live up to society's standards, but not to mine. I've grown into feeling that I'm tired of compromising my life and time into other's daily routine of going with the flow. Going with the flow of rape culture, going with the flow of systemic racism. I am standing on a platform with grief looking back at me, and exhaustion looking forward and I feel like I can't move. I want to get to a point where my life means so much to me that I can't be spirtually exhausted. There is a quote by Nietzche that goes   " He who has a  why  to live can bear with almost an...

Lately I've been thinking more and more about how I need to go back to therapy and make it something consistent. I'm in a lot of pain. I don't want to engage with anyone, I don't want to eat. I'm constantly wrestling with emotions of anger and hopelessness-a lot of it originating from my family. I often think to myself " I'm not the one who messed me up, they are. But I have to take the steps- I have to put in the work to make sure that I don't do something drastic" and that doesn't settle well with me. I have to put in additional work for other people's carelessness, for their mistakes, for their bad parenting. On another note, I often think that there is no value in being in this world, or at least if there is any value, I don't know what that looks like. So as you can imagine the tediousness of being alive coupled with the incomprehension of the value in being alive can lead me down a negative path that  I, at least for now, am uncom...

Lately I've been riled up with a lot of emotions. Being in a relationship is definitely bringing out some qualities that I never really liked about myself, or thought I'd have to face so often. I love being in one, I really do, but sometimes I can't help but wonder if I'm supposed to be in one at all. I have set unfathomable expectations that would leave a telepath with a befuddled look upon their face. I'm not as good at talking about my emotions as I thought I was. Giving form to my frustrations is, well frustrating. Let me at least try to do that here: I hate being the butt of your vengence (literally) I feel that there is a double standard when it comes to my time- I'll wait on you, I'll assist you, but when it comes to me there is always a "15 mins" only- or a rushing because you need to get somewhere or accomplish something. you set your rules for me in the car, in your room, and in your bathroom and I can't help but feel scolded for...

            Yesterday the verdict for the suspenseful Trayvon Martin case came in, and while I felt numb to the continuity of racial profiling in my life and in the lives of minorities in America, I became frightened by the responses my friends shared across social media. From declaring what we already knew about racism in America, to announcing that George Zimmerman better watch out before another vigilante attack is taken into the hands of somebody else, their ideas of reparation are those that I can't get behind. How do people view justice? This question popped into my head after reading threat after threat (between the occasional candy crush update) to George Zimmerman's life on my news-feed. Certainly if Trayvon became Tracy, a white Florida teenager, this entire situation would be different, but because Trayvon  was born an African American male--born into an already existing tension that he had no say in, his death has fueled the fires of this t...

I haven't written a blog in a while. But there was purpose behind that: 1. One of my friends hates the idea of people writing about their feelings and he says its a waste of time (can you guess who it is Kim??) and that has somewhat affected me in wanting to write anything about how I am doing. 2. this one is stupid but lately All I've been wanting to do is write about God! Write about Jesus... and I've been afraid to do that. Afraid that people will see me as some Jesus freak and tune out entirely... But I became so convicted this morning... If my God decided to just stop interacting in my life- stop talking to me or guiding me, I would feel hurt. I would be devastated and angry. So, my ignoring to acknowledge God interacting in my life as a normal part of my day must only seem as being hurtful to my God! I'm not going to be afraid to write about him any longer. Who cares if every one of my post has a scripture in it or has me contemplating about Who God is and what he...

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. I took a practice MCAT the other day, one of the several I've taken in the past few weeks and I'm still sitting in the same range that I've been in(not where I need to be mind you). Even though I know I'm not where I need to be for this test I am comforted by the Lord's word. Already the first part of this scripture brings peace to my mind~God knows the plans he has for me so that means even if I don't, he has something under wraps. Not only does he have plans for me, his plans involve me doing well, his words say that I should have expectations and desires ("give you hope"). I may not know how I'm going to get there: MCAT, post bac, killing a man... But I know that there is purpose in my life, enough for him to keep me in mind. Anyways- We are moving out in like 10 days! It's crazy. I think the girls ma...

Two weeks. Yup, 14 days until I take my MCAT, until I move back into the dorms, until I start RA training. It all happens in a fort-night. I've taken 2 practice tests so far, and done hundreds of questions and I know I'm not where I need to be. But I prayed earlier this week about whether I should postpone my test like every classmate of mine has or not. And I thought I heard "take it" so here I am. Part of me wants to go into this test feeling so confident that I've prepared, but the other more masochistic part of me wants to go in, look at that test, and know nothing at all. There is good reason for the latter half of that last statement. If I went into that test and felt like it was the hardest test ever and that I didn't know anything, but somehow ended up doing extremely well on the test, I would not be able to attribute any of the credit to myself. Nope all the glory would be to God, because it would have been him to have gotten me through that test, a...

God really slapped me in the face this week. As I have found any and every little thing to distract me from dealing with my inner turmoil over the bad situation with my brother, God opened my eyes to the real problem. I'm prideful. I always have been-I always felt like I needed to be. Coming from where I came from, I thought that I had accomplished so much, I thought I had reach new feats that people could only marvel at from below, and I've held myself in such esteem for years, building up the amount of hobbies and activities to keep myself busy and keep others in awe. All the while, my heart grew bitter and I could feel myself judging other, thinking how I am better than them, or lucky not to be them, even thinking that their problems weren't as difficult as they made them out to be because I had been through hell. I have been so bitter for so many years. I make soap taste sweet. Lord, somewhere along the way I lost note that you were there through every painful family si...

SO I'm lying here, mouth full of bloody gauze due to a newly extracted wisdom tooth and I can't help but feel like that visit to the dentist was the worst experience ever. Surprisingly, this day has been the worst day of the summer which actually makes me really happy because in retrospect, this summer has been amazing. God has shown me some beautiful things regarding my future and really ugly things that I need to change about myself. Studying for the MCAT has been a struggle though. It's amazing to think that this 5 hour test is what stands in the way of me wanting to medically help 1000s of people. Amazing- just one of the few words that describes how I feel right now. Anxious being another, "drugged up" being the last. I just pray that along with going out every week and having fun I can buckle down and focus at what really needs my attention.

So I actually thought that for once at my house I could stay here for the entirety of a break and not want to leave back early...I am still hoping that can happen this week. My family I feel is in itself a cry out for attention, especially my younger bro. It amazes me how we can grow up in the same environment and come out as such different people- foils even. What's even harder is me getting across how I want him to succeed and do well without him seeing it as me telling him to be more like me. I don't want him to be me! I have enough problems as it is and would hate to wish them upon him, but what I want is for him to have choices, opportunities to get away from such a toxic environment. Don't get me wrong, I am having a blast this break with my friends- I always do. But, I really want to gain more experiences with my family. God will you continue to work in their lives, it almost seems as things have reverted and that really scares me. Lord open the eyes of my parents a...

Spring break is right around the corner! I just have one more final left tomorrow and then I can say goodbye to this winter quarter. I can't believe how much fun I had this quarter especially with the rep winter quarters have had in my past lol. Its strange to think how fast these 11 weeks flew by yet at the same time were so full of memorable moments and experiences that I am going to carry with me...Seriously, all that happened this quarter was only in 11 weeks! It's ridiculous. Some things that I am for sure taking away from this quarter: Trust God more. I feel like there are still plenty of barriers that I set up for myself because I'm afraid that God won't come through, but if I never give him the opportunity to come through, why would he? So I need to take more risks and actively seek his power in my life! be vulnerable. (enough said on that in the last blog) an extension on to that would also be that I am in the process of learning to acknowledge my problem areas...

I think I would consider myself privileged. I could have a horrible situation eating and tearing away at me, but also have friends and people that care about me to ameliorate that pain within a matter of minutes. Literally phone calls/texts/ minutes away. It makes me wonder, How people without those friends get by? I think out of a vulnerability with other people you learn to minimize the judgment that you may at one point have had in your heart. I feel like if there was someone with a problem whether it be an addiction or domestic issue or academic issue, I feel as though I wouldn't cast judgment on them anymore- not like I used to anyway. Its amazing what pains God can pull out of your life. I bring this up because I have been constantly feeling judged and treated poorly for the past couple of weeks, but because I have friends to lift that off my shoulders the judgment doesn't sting like it was intended to do. Being vulnerable is like a member of my arsenal I feel that as lon...

Is it so wrong to not want to settle? I'm over it

Bible Study earlier this evening was amazing! The passage we read was Matthew 5: 13-16 and it was just a reinforcement of how much God loves me, so much that he has given me value-worth, that is separate from what the world measures. I am a Salt of the earth, a preserver of his love! Something to make things "that" much better, the flavor that we all need. I am a light in this world! His love shining through me, radiating down to my soul! I am a beacon that can draw others closer to his love. I have purpose and it took me so long to remember that I did. Although midterms are creeping up on me this week I felt the need to proclaim this joy that I am finding in my heart right now. Does it make me sound sad if I say how I forgot what it felt like to be loved?? ha ha , but its immense right now- almost overwhelming...and I love it In other news, I am still testing the waters with her. I told her how I really wanted to take things slow because I wasn't sure that this was from ...

Could it be possible that I may have found someone, a girl that I genuinely like? I'm not entirely sure yet but as for now I think that its ever a possibility. Relationships are a tricky thing- so tricky you would think they were for kids but actually no. In the back of my head though I can't help but think that it could always be a fluke--a relationship for the sake of relationship. So many times have I found myself in that position, but this time it seems like things could be different...because she is. Could it be a reality that I have decided to truly take a year off before applying to medical school? I almost find it preposterous but at the same time I know that its asked of me. God has so many plans for me and I wish I knew in which direction they were going. Its going to take a lot of effort to change my mentality of giving him the glory for the work that I feel like I do. What is it about self satisfaction hmm? Where does it say within the word itself that it can't ...

Though it may seem like a fallacy The blood of Christ flows through me Rejoice in his glory, revere what is holy I am a prince among royalty In the greatest kingdom of all A growing love for him each day For my name I hear him call Jordan! Jordan...I love you Such a magical elixir- His love for me An ultimate fixer, don't turn to drugs, violence, or greed You mean all I have to do is fall on my knees And speak? Speak what's on my heart, oh Lord Where do I even start How do I approach the beginning and the end To equate the Redeemer and friend as synonyms Standing by my side with a hand on my shoulder Whispering in my ear " I'm going to take you further" You mean that I'm meant for more than this Christ?? More than what you've already blessed me with? How can I fathom the depths of your affection The world I see around me is a view of your reflection Of how much you've done for me already.

So I finally received all my grades for this quarter, and I have to say that I am feeling...I guess ambivalent about the whole thing. On one hand I did well I got a higher GPA than my overall one at the moment so I should be happy about that, but at the same time I'm disappointed that I didn't get an A in my anatomy class. Damn, I tried so hard for that class haha and I couldn't pull it off. In any case, I am blessed that finals week was not that bad. I am blessed that I even get to go to UCLA and have the opportunity to make something for myself- this above all weighs more than my grades. I can't wait to go to San Diego and hang out with my friends, it should be a nice break from this hussle and bussle of LA. One thing I'm not looking forward to is Christmas shopping haha it is certainly the most difficult part of the holiday season. I think I know what to get Chris, and Chris and Amy as a pair but other than that IDK what the heck I should get other people. I'...

Food, friends, and frolicking...Er, perhaps frolicking isn't the best word but it gets the point across. Last night's pre-thanksgiving dinner was great, hands down; it was better than any of the 5 parties my apartment has had since third week. Interestingly enough, before we ate Allen kept asking if we were going to "give thanks" which I honestly couldn't wait to give to my man, The Prince of Peace haha. While saying grace, I couldn't help but feel overwhelmed by the amount of love I felt from God; Not only has he bestowed me with a roof over my head but more so he has surrounded me with people I can't get enough of, he SHOWERED us with food yesterday even when we thought there wouldn't be enough, and he's come through for me even when I didn't feel like he could. And the thing that gets me most, when Allen implied that we should give thanks I wasn't even sure if the group would have wanted to say grace but because they all were ok with it,...