Lately I've been thinking more and more about how I need to go back to therapy and make it something consistent. I'm in a lot of pain. I don't want to engage with anyone, I don't want to eat. I'm constantly wrestling with emotions of anger and hopelessness-a lot of it originating from my family. I often think to myself " I'm not the one who messed me up, they are. But I have to take the steps- I have to put in the work to make sure that I don't do something drastic" and that doesn't settle well with me. I have to put in additional work for other people's carelessness, for their mistakes, for their bad parenting. On another note, I often think that there is no value in being in this world, or at least if there is any value, I don't know what that looks like. So as you can imagine the tediousness of being alive coupled with the incomprehension of the value in being alive can lead me down a negative path that I, at least for now, am uncom...
Lately I've been riled up with a lot of emotions. Being in a relationship is definitely bringing out some qualities that I never really liked about myself, or thought I'd have to face so often. I love being in one, I really do, but sometimes I can't help but wonder if I'm supposed to be in one at all. I have set unfathomable expectations that would leave a telepath with a befuddled look upon their face. I'm not as good at talking about my emotions as I thought I was. Giving form to my frustrations is, well frustrating. Let me at least try to do that here: I hate being the butt of your vengence (literally) I feel that there is a double standard when it comes to my time- I'll wait on you, I'll assist you, but when it comes to me there is always a "15 mins" only- or a rushing because you need to get somewhere or accomplish something. you set your rules for me in the car, in your room, and in your bathroom and I can't help but feel scolded for...
As I've sunk further and further into my depression, I've noticed that in the midst of the numbness I am still open to finding my reason to stay here and live this life. It's almost a different kind of fight. But one that is still so difficult. I've spent my life fighting to be here but lacking understanding as to what is significant about being here at all. There are so many things that live up to society's standards, but not to mine. I've grown into feeling that I'm tired of compromising my life and time into other's daily routine of going with the flow. Going with the flow of rape culture, going with the flow of systemic racism. I am standing on a platform with grief looking back at me, and exhaustion looking forward and I feel like I can't move. I want to get to a point where my life means so much to me that I can't be spirtually exhausted. There is a quote by Nietzche that goes " He who has a why to live can bear with almost an...
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