I used to believe that taking anti-depressants for the rest of my life was the part that hurt the most in regards to my affliction. Now that I've gone without them for an extended period I've come to understand what hurts the most is having the capacity to understand what happened to me, the primitivism of it all. Most days I feared for my life from physical threats: Gangs on bus rides, my father's hands, and the aftermath of an anticipated murder of my Mother-the consequences which would ultimately be endured by two blameless children. Call those average Tuesday thoughts. Yet as I fly 30,000 feet over stark white precipices of the Rocky mountains on a return flight from a meeting where I hold a national position, I select through online proofs of a man adorned in doctorate gowns- a symbol of the upper echelons of society. I'm reminded of the profound mountains moved by a mighty God, my friends, and myself to be that man. The irony now is how I continue to fear my lif...
Lately I've been thinking more and more about how I need to go back to therapy and make it something consistent. I'm in a lot of pain. I don't want to engage with anyone, I don't want to eat. I'm constantly wrestling with emotions of anger and hopelessness-a lot of it originating from my family. I often think to myself " I'm not the one who messed me up, they are. But I have to take the steps- I have to put in the work to make sure that I don't do something drastic" and that doesn't settle well with me. I have to put in additional work for other people's carelessness, for their mistakes, for their bad parenting. On another note, I often think that there is no value in being in this world, or at least if there is any value, I don't know what that looks like. So as you can imagine the tediousness of being alive coupled with the incomprehension of the value in being alive can lead me down a negative path that I, at least for now, am uncom...
I haven't written a blog in a while. But there was purpose behind that: 1. One of my friends hates the idea of people writing about their feelings and he says its a waste of time (can you guess who it is Kim??) and that has somewhat affected me in wanting to write anything about how I am doing. 2. this one is stupid but lately All I've been wanting to do is write about God! Write about Jesus... and I've been afraid to do that. Afraid that people will see me as some Jesus freak and tune out entirely... But I became so convicted this morning... If my God decided to just stop interacting in my life- stop talking to me or guiding me, I would feel hurt. I would be devastated and angry. So, my ignoring to acknowledge God interacting in my life as a normal part of my day must only seem as being hurtful to my God! I'm not going to be afraid to write about him any longer. Who cares if every one of my post has a scripture in it or has me contemplating about Who God is and what he...
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