so it looks as though my blogs are going to be merely reactions towards books I have read, but I don't think that will be the case ha-ha. Its just that I have read another good book that has made me ponder about life; the book I am talking about is called The Road by Cormac McCarthy. This book is nothing short of awesome-truly. It really got me thinking. Value- what do we put a value on when it really comes down to it. Love? wealth? Security? There are so many things that seem valuable to us but when it really came down to it-if the things we believed had some worth in our lives vanished, no, were taken from us- I want to know how important would it REEAALLLLY be. I'm trying to think of what I hold valuable in my life. food, friends, laughter (it sounds like a dinner party) but really I value those things so much. I can say that food is extrinsically valuable-actually all of them are because they serve as a means to bring me to what I guess I really want out of life, happiness...
Lately I've been thinking more and more about how I need to go back to therapy and make it something consistent. I'm in a lot of pain. I don't want to engage with anyone, I don't want to eat. I'm constantly wrestling with emotions of anger and hopelessness-a lot of it originating from my family. I often think to myself " I'm not the one who messed me up, they are. But I have to take the steps- I have to put in the work to make sure that I don't do something drastic" and that doesn't settle well with me. I have to put in additional work for other people's carelessness, for their mistakes, for their bad parenting. On another note, I often think that there is no value in being in this world, or at least if there is any value, I don't know what that looks like. So as you can imagine the tediousness of being alive coupled with the incomprehension of the value in being alive can lead me down a negative path that I, at least for now, am uncom...
Sometimes you just get one of those days where you wonder" how can this get possibly worse" and then you continue to find answers to the question you asked. Today was one of those days. I've had this strange sensation fall over me the past couple of days, a sensation that has been following me with a conviction I have never seen before and it has left me quite tired. I'm tired of having to wait for things to get better-not that I wouldn't go out there and make them better if I could myself; in some situations all you can do is sit back and let the punches roll up and down your face. But is it not ok for me to say that after I've been punched for 10 mins straight I can't be tired? A ring, enclosed in large vinyl ropes Bob to the left-shake to the right quick short breaths quick short breaths A jab at his side, a throw at his side, a cut to the chin It's over right? A simple mistake waking up...
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