so it looks as though my blogs are going to be merely reactions towards books I have read, but I don't think that will be the case ha-ha. Its just that I have read another good book that has made me ponder about life; the book I am talking about is called The Road by Cormac McCarthy. This book is nothing short of awesome-truly. It really got me thinking. Value- what do we put a value on when it really comes down to it. Love? wealth? Security? There are so many things that seem valuable to us but when it really came down to it-if the things we believed had some worth in our lives vanished, no, were taken from us- I want to know how important would it REEAALLLLY be. I'm trying to think of what I hold valuable in my life. food, friends, laughter (it sounds like a dinner party) but really I value those things so much. I can say that food is extrinsically valuable-actually all of them are because they serve as a means to bring me to what I guess I really want out of life, happiness...
I used to believe that taking anti-depressants for the rest of my life was the part that hurt the most in regards to my affliction. Now that I've gone without them for an extended period I've come to understand what hurts the most is having the capacity to understand what happened to me, the primitivism of it all. Most days I feared for my life from physical threats: Gangs on bus rides, my father's hands, and the aftermath of an anticipated murder of my Mother-the consequences which would ultimately be endured by two blameless children. Call those average Tuesday thoughts. Yet as I fly 30,000 feet over stark white precipices of the Rocky mountains on a return flight from a meeting where I hold a national position, I select through online proofs of a man adorned in doctorate gowns- a symbol of the upper echelons of society. I'm reminded of the profound mountains moved by a mighty God, my friends, and myself to be that man. The irony now is how I continue to fear my lif...
Lately I've been thinking more and more about how I need to go back to therapy and make it something consistent. I'm in a lot of pain. I don't want to engage with anyone, I don't want to eat. I'm constantly wrestling with emotions of anger and hopelessness-a lot of it originating from my family. I often think to myself " I'm not the one who messed me up, they are. But I have to take the steps- I have to put in the work to make sure that I don't do something drastic" and that doesn't settle well with me. I have to put in additional work for other people's carelessness, for their mistakes, for their bad parenting. On another note, I often think that there is no value in being in this world, or at least if there is any value, I don't know what that looks like. So as you can imagine the tediousness of being alive coupled with the incomprehension of the value in being alive can lead me down a negative path that I, at least for now, am uncom...
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