Pride

God really slapped me in the face this week. As I have found any and every little thing to distract me from dealing with my inner turmoil over the bad situation with my brother, God opened my eyes to the real problem. I'm prideful. I always have been-I always felt like I needed to be. Coming from where I came from, I thought that I had accomplished so much, I thought I had reach new feats that people could only marvel at from below, and I've held myself in such esteem for years, building up the amount of hobbies and activities to keep myself busy and keep others in awe. All the while, my heart grew bitter and I could feel myself judging other, thinking how I am better than them, or lucky not to be them, even thinking that their problems weren't as difficult as they made them out to be because I had been through hell. I have been so bitter for so many years. I make soap taste sweet. Lord, somewhere along the way I lost note that you were there through every painful family situation, through every college scholarship interview. While praising myself on how personable I am, I forgot to thank the God that made me that way.

I've avoided speaking with Jacob because of the anger and the frustration that is pent up every time I think about him, but I stop it there. I don't think about what is really making me angry. Is it the fact that he doesn't listen to me, or the fact that I feel everyone should listen to me? Now I think I know.

Earlier this summer I was thinking about writing him a letter, but couldn't find the heart to write something without curse words in it. Maybe now I can:

I'm sorry.

For the ways in which I thought I was better than you

For all the times we left fighting and I didn't care to fix it

For thinking I got you all figured out.

The truth is, I still have a lot to figure out.

-Jordan