Family Talk
Lately I've been thinking more and more about how I need to go back to therapy and make it something consistent. I'm in a lot of pain. I don't want to engage with anyone, I don't want to eat. I'm constantly wrestling with emotions of anger and hopelessness-a lot of it originating from my family. I often think to myself " I'm not the one who messed me up, they are. But I have to take the steps- I have to put in the work to make sure that I don't do something drastic" and that doesn't settle well with me. I have to put in additional work for other people's carelessness, for their mistakes, for their bad parenting. On another note, I often think that there is no value in being in this world, or at least if there is any value, I don't know what that looks like. So as you can imagine the tediousness of being alive coupled with the incomprehension of the value in being alive can lead me down a negative path that I, at least for now, am uncomfortable taking.
It's crazy how "effectively communicating" is such a valuable skill. My parents didn't put any experience points into that. If we don't bring it up with them then unless we are literally threatening our lives they will assume nothing needs to be talked about. I've never felt so unappreciated in my life. No matter what I say no one listens to me. I'm just the son with the attitude problem. I'm just the mean son. Even if that was true that I had an attitude, or that I was mean, doesn't that in itself warrant an investigation as to why I'm that way? I don't even get that! No one even probes around looking for the answers to that.
What I say doesn't carry worth in this house. Part of me thinks "so what?" why does what I say need to be worthy? People can choose to put their worth in whatever they want. But the rest of me can't shake this notion that if anywhere, here within the confines of the location I grew up in most of my life, my words should bear weight.
I'm going to talk to my parents either tomorrow or the day after Christmas and let them know about therapy. Let them know that these are the feelings I've been carrying by myself for quite some time. I think I'll also let them know that if they are not going to show that they support me then I'll be pulling away from them and concentrating my efforts on the people that already support and care about me.
It's crazy how "effectively communicating" is such a valuable skill. My parents didn't put any experience points into that. If we don't bring it up with them then unless we are literally threatening our lives they will assume nothing needs to be talked about. I've never felt so unappreciated in my life. No matter what I say no one listens to me. I'm just the son with the attitude problem. I'm just the mean son. Even if that was true that I had an attitude, or that I was mean, doesn't that in itself warrant an investigation as to why I'm that way? I don't even get that! No one even probes around looking for the answers to that.
What I say doesn't carry worth in this house. Part of me thinks "so what?" why does what I say need to be worthy? People can choose to put their worth in whatever they want. But the rest of me can't shake this notion that if anywhere, here within the confines of the location I grew up in most of my life, my words should bear weight.
I'm going to talk to my parents either tomorrow or the day after Christmas and let them know about therapy. Let them know that these are the feelings I've been carrying by myself for quite some time. I think I'll also let them know that if they are not going to show that they support me then I'll be pulling away from them and concentrating my efforts on the people that already support and care about me.
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