Changing the Infrastructure

I used to believe that taking anti-depressants for the rest of my life was the part that hurt the most in regards to my affliction. Now that I've gone without them for an extended period I've come to understand what hurts the most is having the capacity to understand what happened to me, the primitivism of it all. Most days I feared for my life from physical threats: Gangs on bus rides, my father's hands, and the aftermath of an anticipated murder of my Mother-the consequences which would ultimately be endured by two blameless children.

Call those average Tuesday thoughts.

Yet as I fly 30,000 feet over stark white precipices of the Rocky mountains on a return flight from a meeting where I hold a national position, I select through online proofs of a man adorned in doctorate gowns- a symbol of the upper echelons of society. I'm reminded of the profound mountains moved by a mighty God, my friends, and myself to be that man.

The irony now is how I continue to fear my life be consumed by a crippling depression and smothering anxiety.

My life, an architecture of responsibility, ambition, and learning, supported in a framework built of fear but built sturdy to withstand the demons of the world.
I never imagined how much renovation would be required to purge the demons so tightly woven into my own infrastructure​.