There is no antidote

Lately I've been thinking more and more about how I need to go back to therapy and make it something consistent. I'm in a lot of pain. I don't want to engage with anyone, I don't want to eat. I'm constantly wrestling with emotions of anger and hopelessness-a lot of it originating from my family. I often think to myself " I'm not the one who messed me up, they are. But I have to take the steps- I have to put in the work to make sure that I don't do something drastic" and that doesn't settle well with me. I have to put in additional work for other people's carelessness, for their mistakes, for their bad parenting. On another note, I often think that there is no value in being in this world, or at least if there is any value, I don't know what that looks like. So as you can imagine the tediousness of being alive coupled with the incomprehension of the value in being alive can lead me down a negative path that  I, at least for now, am uncom...

Lately I've been riled up with a lot of emotions. Being in a relationship is definitely bringing out some qualities that I never really liked about myself, or thought I'd have to face so often. I love being in one, I really do, but sometimes I can't help but wonder if I'm supposed to be in one at all. I have set unfathomable expectations that would leave a telepath with a befuddled look upon their face. I'm not as good at talking about my emotions as I thought I was. Giving form to my frustrations is, well frustrating. Let me at least try to do that here: I hate being the butt of your vengence (literally) I feel that there is a double standard when it comes to my time- I'll wait on you, I'll assist you, but when it comes to me there is always a "15 mins" only- or a rushing because you need to get somewhere or accomplish something. you set your rules for me in the car, in your room, and in your bathroom and I can't help but feel scolded for...

            Yesterday the verdict for the suspenseful Trayvon Martin case came in, and while I felt numb to the continuity of racial profiling in my life and in the lives of minorities in America, I became frightened by the responses my friends shared across social media. From declaring what we already knew about racism in America, to announcing that George Zimmerman better watch out before another vigilante attack is taken into the hands of somebody else, their ideas of reparation are those that I can't get behind. How do people view justice? This question popped into my head after reading threat after threat (between the occasional candy crush update) to George Zimmerman's life on my news-feed. Certainly if Trayvon became Tracy, a white Florida teenager, this entire situation would be different, but because Trayvon  was born an African American male--born into an already existing tension that he had no say in, his death has fueled the fires of this t...

I haven't written a blog in a while. But there was purpose behind that: 1. One of my friends hates the idea of people writing about their feelings and he says its a waste of time (can you guess who it is Kim??) and that has somewhat affected me in wanting to write anything about how I am doing. 2. this one is stupid but lately All I've been wanting to do is write about God! Write about Jesus... and I've been afraid to do that. Afraid that people will see me as some Jesus freak and tune out entirely... But I became so convicted this morning... If my God decided to just stop interacting in my life- stop talking to me or guiding me, I would feel hurt. I would be devastated and angry. So, my ignoring to acknowledge God interacting in my life as a normal part of my day must only seem as being hurtful to my God! I'm not going to be afraid to write about him any longer. Who cares if every one of my post has a scripture in it or has me contemplating about Who God is and what he...

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. I took a practice MCAT the other day, one of the several I've taken in the past few weeks and I'm still sitting in the same range that I've been in(not where I need to be mind you). Even though I know I'm not where I need to be for this test I am comforted by the Lord's word. Already the first part of this scripture brings peace to my mind~God knows the plans he has for me so that means even if I don't, he has something under wraps. Not only does he have plans for me, his plans involve me doing well, his words say that I should have expectations and desires ("give you hope"). I may not know how I'm going to get there: MCAT, post bac, killing a man... But I know that there is purpose in my life, enough for him to keep me in mind. Anyways- We are moving out in like 10 days! It's crazy. I think the girls ma...

Two weeks. Yup, 14 days until I take my MCAT, until I move back into the dorms, until I start RA training. It all happens in a fort-night. I've taken 2 practice tests so far, and done hundreds of questions and I know I'm not where I need to be. But I prayed earlier this week about whether I should postpone my test like every classmate of mine has or not. And I thought I heard "take it" so here I am. Part of me wants to go into this test feeling so confident that I've prepared, but the other more masochistic part of me wants to go in, look at that test, and know nothing at all. There is good reason for the latter half of that last statement. If I went into that test and felt like it was the hardest test ever and that I didn't know anything, but somehow ended up doing extremely well on the test, I would not be able to attribute any of the credit to myself. Nope all the glory would be to God, because it would have been him to have gotten me through that test, a...

God really slapped me in the face this week. As I have found any and every little thing to distract me from dealing with my inner turmoil over the bad situation with my brother, God opened my eyes to the real problem. I'm prideful. I always have been-I always felt like I needed to be. Coming from where I came from, I thought that I had accomplished so much, I thought I had reach new feats that people could only marvel at from below, and I've held myself in such esteem for years, building up the amount of hobbies and activities to keep myself busy and keep others in awe. All the while, my heart grew bitter and I could feel myself judging other, thinking how I am better than them, or lucky not to be them, even thinking that their problems weren't as difficult as they made them out to be because I had been through hell. I have been so bitter for so many years. I make soap taste sweet. Lord, somewhere along the way I lost note that you were there through every painful family si...