realizations

Ok so I don't know exactly how to wrap my mind around this but I am just going to continue to write and hopefully my jumbling will make sense.

I realized something about myself this weekend. I can't say its a particular quality that I have because I mean I don't do this on a regular basis (at least conciously I don't). Allen, one of my best friends, and his girlfriend Sarah are my roommates. This mostly pertains to Sarah and not
Allen. I feel like I'm trying to hard to be her friend. Its as though I don't really want to be her friend but I am doing so for the sake of saying that my best friend's gf is on good terms with me. I feel guilty- Is it wrong for me to say that I think I just don't like her? I sit here and try to nit pick at the smallest reasons for why I shouldn't like her and it just makes me angry at myself. How immature am I? I am acting like a child, an embarrasement. But if I am being honest with myself I have to say that I just don't like her...yet

I think the thing that causes me to lean towards not wanting to be her friend is the E word. Effort

Not as in I don't want to put forth an effort but rather I don't want to think about how it takes effort to be her friend. With all of my other friends I don't think I can say that I conciously thought about making sure I put in effort into being their friends. But with her I do and that is so unsettiling.


I need to dive deeper into my own resentment issues, I think whatever this issue with Sarah has shown me that I need to solve some problems with myself...I'll pray on it. She is a really nice person, truly she is but for some reason... *sigh, I don't know, I just don't know.

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