There is no antidote

I think the concept of free speech is phenomenal, but thinking about how free speech is encouraged in this country is to also recognize that political campaigns whether individual or those affecting work force sectors, are supported by dollars, and the most amount of dollars comes from whiteness and wealthiness. All to say that wealthy people and corporations have far more free speech in this country than others. When we continue to give bigots platforms to speak, legitimize their arguments with on-air time, or do not shut down the generation of political parties rooted in their (evidence shown) damaging ideaologies, we become implicit in continued oligarchical opressive regimes. I think there are a lot of people--non-communities of color, and people of color alike--that don't wish malice on one another, but we don't put enough of that into direct and overt action (i.e. boldly constructing and backing anti-racists policies, generating awareness around Christian Dominionism, b

As I've sunk further and further into my depression, I've noticed that in the midst of the numbness I am still open to finding my reason to stay here and live this life. It's almost a different kind of fight. But one that is still so difficult. I've spent my life fighting to be here but lacking understanding as to what is significant about being here at all. There are so many things that live up to society's standards, but not to mine. I've grown into feeling that I'm tired of compromising my life and time into other's daily routine of going with the flow. Going with the flow of rape culture, going with the flow of systemic racism. I am standing on a platform with grief looking back at me, and exhaustion looking forward and I feel like I can't move. I want to get to a point where my life means so much to me that I can't be spirtually exhausted. There is a quote by Nietzche that goes   " He who has a  why  to live can bear with almost an

Lately I've been thinking more and more about how I need to go back to therapy and make it something consistent. I'm in a lot of pain. I don't want to engage with anyone, I don't want to eat. I'm constantly wrestling with emotions of anger and hopelessness-a lot of it originating from my family. I often think to myself " I'm not the one who messed me up, they are. But I have to take the steps- I have to put in the work to make sure that I don't do something drastic" and that doesn't settle well with me. I have to put in additional work for other people's carelessness, for their mistakes, for their bad parenting. On another note, I often think that there is no value in being in this world, or at least if there is any value, I don't know what that looks like. So as you can imagine the tediousness of being alive coupled with the incomprehension of the value in being alive can lead me down a negative path that  I, at least for now, am uncom

Lately I've been riled up with a lot of emotions. Being in a relationship is definitely bringing out some qualities that I never really liked about myself, or thought I'd have to face so often. I love being in one, I really do, but sometimes I can't help but wonder if I'm supposed to be in one at all. I have set unfathomable expectations that would leave a telepath with a befuddled look upon their face. I'm not as good at talking about my emotions as I thought I was. Giving form to my frustrations is, well frustrating. Let me at least try to do that here: I hate being the butt of your vengence (literally) I feel that there is a double standard when it comes to my time- I'll wait on you, I'll assist you, but when it comes to me there is always a "15 mins" only- or a rushing because you need to get somewhere or accomplish something. you set your rules for me in the car, in your room, and in your bathroom and I can't help but feel scolded for

            Yesterday the verdict for the suspenseful Trayvon Martin case came in, and while I felt numb to the continuity of racial profiling in my life and in the lives of minorities in America, I became frightened by the responses my friends shared across social media. From declaring what we already knew about racism in America, to announcing that George Zimmerman better watch out before another vigilante attack is taken into the hands of somebody else, their ideas of reparation are those that I can't get behind. How do people view justice? This question popped into my head after reading threat after threat (between the occasional candy crush update) to George Zimmerman's life on my news-feed. Certainly if Trayvon became Tracy, a white Florida teenager, this entire situation would be different, but because Trayvon  was born an African American male--born into an already existing tension that he had no say in, his death has fueled the fires of this tension to keep it going. I

I haven't written a blog in a while. But there was purpose behind that: 1. One of my friends hates the idea of people writing about their feelings and he says its a waste of time (can you guess who it is Kim??) and that has somewhat affected me in wanting to write anything about how I am doing. 2. this one is stupid but lately All I've been wanting to do is write about God! Write about Jesus... and I've been afraid to do that. Afraid that people will see me as some Jesus freak and tune out entirely... But I became so convicted this morning... If my God decided to just stop interacting in my life- stop talking to me or guiding me, I would feel hurt. I would be devastated and angry. So, my ignoring to acknowledge God interacting in my life as a normal part of my day must only seem as being hurtful to my God! I'm not going to be afraid to write about him any longer. Who cares if every one of my post has a scripture in it or has me contemplating about Who God is and what he